The Post Where I Talk About Being an Awful Parent

I had a Junior League meeting yesterday. It was a Finance Committee meeting and while I wasn't looking forward to the actual meeting, I was looking forward to putting on a dress and heels and having a dinner that didn't involve me cleaning up afterwards.

As logistics would have it, I had to take Georgia to David's office and switch cars with him on my way to the League building. Yesterday morning she had developed a nasty cough and runny nose. She didn't nap very long and was just more clingy than usual. This is where the awful parent part comes in - shouldn't I have noticed something was wrong when she wasn't her normal happy, independent self??  While buckling her into the car seat, I realized that she felt a little warm. Not a lot, but enough to make me think that I shouldn't have dressed her in a Christmas sweatshirt. Why didn't I think to whip out a thermometer and see if she was too warm??

The last time I went out on a weeknight, David called within ten minutes of my leaving the house because Georgia had thrown up five times. Since this would never happen twice in a row, I turned my phone to silent for my meeting.

Two hours later, in my car coming home, I looked at my phone to see three missed calls and a text from David. The text simply said "temperature 103, going to the ER". My heart sank. Why didn't I catch this? I AM THE MOMMY!! Isn't this my sole job as a mommy?

Georgia is feeling better this morning, but I'm not. My heart hurts and I feel a strange sort of embarrassment and shame for just leaving her and going to my meeting. Where is that maternal instinct that is supposed to let me automatically know when something is wrong with my baby? When will the selfishness of just wanting to dress up and have a dinner with adults give way to being a mother? I know Georgia won't remember these times when I wasn't automatically there, but I fear that my own heart will take awhile to get over this.

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