Already a Mommy

Some women know they are a mommy the second they see two lines on a pregnancy test.  It didn't come so easily for me this time. After losing one baby and having a very troublesome start to this pregnancy, I definitely didn't let myself get excited during the first trimester. I was even cautious to announce my pregnancy after the first trimester was over, even though the doctor told me everything was "just perfect". 

I wanted to get to the big ultrasound at twenty weeks which would reassure us that our baby is in fact perfect. Due to some issues I was having, we had an ultrasound at 15 weeks and the "big one" at 18 weeks. We could finally rest easily that our little girl is going to be perfect! Then with a pretty big scare at 23 weeks, I honestly wondered if it would ever end or if I'd just be terrified for the remainder of my pregnancy.

Honestly, all I could do (and still, every day) was pray and leave it in God's hands. If I am meant to have a happy, healthy baby, that's great...if not, then I knew we wouldn't try again after this pregnancy. I knew God would help me mentally and emotionally either way. But I still didn't feel like a mother - I knew I was pregnant and that I'd most likely be having a baby, but it was all strangely still an abstract idea to me. I felt like some of my close friends were more excited about the baby than I was, because I just couldn't relax and every routine (and emergency) doctor visit just put a dark cloud over my week.  After about 30 weeks I finally started to relax, since at this point if the baby were to be born, she would most likely survive.

At 32 weeks, I found out what it's like to really know you are a mother. My doctor told me he was going to run additional tests. He told me the baby is fine, perfect actually, but that my liver and kidneys may not be functioning properly. This would most likely require an early birth for my little girl if I wanted to keep my organs. I "became a mommy" when I knew, without a doubt, that I was going to fight to keep this little girl inside of me for another five weeks (until she's considered full term) even if it meant that I would lose a kidney or require a liver transplant on the day she is born.

Although I pray daily for the safety, health, and well-being of my baby, I didn't pray at all for my own health or safety. It just wasn't important to me. I just shrugged my shoulders and waited for the test results. I didn't get nervous, worried or anxious. I knew the baby was going to be fine and that's all that mattered to me.

Luckily and thankfully, my organs are fine! God must have been listening to the prayers that my loving mother was praying for me.